hi it's been a looong time since i last update.
i really want to write more i guess i just lost my passion smh.
anyway, quick recap over these pasts months. Just got back home settling down, clean my room. Setting up a new bedroom + study table although i just graduated. Ended up getting a job that requires me to work from home. In this pandemic, I could not be more thankful. And last Friday i think, all my stuffs that i posted arrived home. So all my precious books/manga/memoirs are now save with me. And all feels like it never existed before.
So as known, I have been suffering from this undiagnosed depression lmao, really i am trying but meeting a therapist is so hard. I don't know how to do it and more i don't trust them lol; there are story that I have read and heard that you know it does not end up that well. But i am trying.
I don't have anything else to write, other than passion. I read this just now because I was having this depressive mood attack, which I experience monthly if not weekly in the course of 5 years, yes. Homegirl literally read suicide notes for breakfast.
Uhm anyway passion.
I’m the CEO of a stellar company, yet I’m not happy. Is that normal?
I’m running 6 miles a day, yet I’m not happy. Is that normal?
I own a huge mansion resort, yet I’m not happy. Is that normal?
What is not normal is how we equate success to happiness, when happiness comes (in my opinion) from one thing: love.
Why do people with good grades seem happier? It is never a grade that makes you truly happy, it’s the devotion that you put into your studies. It is so rewarding to see progress within yourself, to learn new things.
A grade itself is just a letter. Being CEO is just a title. 6 miles? Sure, it sounds like a lot of miles—unless you know you can run more. And a huge mansion resort means nothing if you have no one to share it with.
Without real passion, there is no meaning.
Love yourself. Love everyone around you. Love what you do. You will find happiness without ever having to look.
from Quora.
I just realized, maybe I did not enjoy a single thing I did these pasts 5 years. Engineering school, hell yeah engineering school on top of that unable to connect or create a new relationship with new people. Results in being lonely. Did not enjoy my life that much even though i literally had a chance to be abroad. I can't feel happy. In those moments I feel, hell why am i not happy. When i should be, these chances are rare. And continue to hate myself.
Am i not being grateful? I thought. I tried and tried but I just cant, I cant be happy I am always so sad, feeling helpless, not living my best life when I should have. So maybe I lost my real passion. Sorry it is kind of corny. If I had the choice, I would not want to be this sad.
There are so much opportunity i missed just because I am sad.
Even then, I wanted to be loved. For someone to say, nah it is okay, you did good. And you know say no to everything bad i said about myself. Love yourself, but you cannot deny the feeling of wanting to be important for some one else too.