I just thought. That what if what I was struggling or
looking for after all this time is just because of my greed. I mean after all ,
I don’t want to be an engineer anyway , in the future I don’t want to do things
related to this field at all , at least (probably 10% related?) . Looking way
back, I chose engineering because it is said to be a very broad field. Because I didn’t know what I want back then,
so I made this choice. And after some time has passed, I truly learned what
passion means, and what is it like to live without it. I made this choice so I can
choose my path after this, find things I wanna do. I made this choice as a
bridge a stepping stone so that I could jump to the place it truly want to be.
I actually bet on that 10% //
But then here I am, complaining, getting sad because I couldn’t
do better like others. No matter how much I strive, things remain like that. Or
probably it changed a bit but compared to what I’ve felt, it never satisfies.
Am I being ungrateful here despite everything? I just want to do better.
Anyway though as I said, am I just being greedy? I didn’t
want to get involved in this. I just want to score, mark that A+ on everything I
do. Because I want to be A+ at everything. Miss knows it all. There there. Was
that all greed? Was it worth to be sad, depressed for? Does it worth the
swollen eyes I get in the morning because all of the crying I did the night
before. Does it worth comparing myself to other people and then acknowledging myself
to be stupid, because I am not as smart as others?
And I know there are others like me, but they
end up being good at it instead while I suck. I guess that goes for all of them
except me.
If it was all greed, does it worth it? I mean I still have
to do well, but the sadness, the depression does it worth it? When I am
actually be sad for things that I probably not gonna use in the future?
I know I need to do that jump, but before that I gotta make
sure that I get through that bridge. I don’t need to be sad because everyone
else is crossing with friends, with sparks burning behind their eye because
they have figured out what they want, and because their journey ends once they
cross that bridge, while I still have to make that jump.
It is a long journey, but I hope it’s worth it.
We never know what’s
at the end of the road. //