Growth.

I was very sad. 

As soon as the old life ends and a new life starts, I can't seem to feel the new life. Lets say it was as if I didn't really live. I let everything follow the flow. I didn't care much. Didn't do much, starts to blame everything on myself, surrounding, to anything else that lives. Sometimes, it wasn't bad as yesterday but sometimes it got worse. I have absolutely no one to talk to at one point I cried myself to sleep but that is okay because no one ever actually notices my present to ask me what's wrong with my puffy eyes the next morning. I totally did not care, I let it go. 

I pray and pray God why didn't you just give me someone? I need to lean on to somebody. It was just me at first, my feelings and the loneliness I felt but later my study, my grades and everything just breaks lose. I felt like my world is collapsing. I'm totally losing it. Did I ever thought to end it? Yes. It was not critical, but a slight. I read about someone taking his/her own life, I didn't wonder why like I used to instead I feel like I understand the action , believe me I would to if I could. Like if that person was doing it in front of me, I wouldn't know the words to say to stop them, I'd probably just will let them do it. Even so, I still felt like mine wasn't that serious, like totally doing it would be an exaggeration at that moment. So, I wondered just how many pain someone could've feel that makes them decides. At that point, I was grateful; mine wasn't that bad.

It didn't solve the problem though, the darkness is still there. Sometimes, it wasn't bad as yesterday but sometimes it got worse. I was in the situation where time is a variable. I could not take a rest, could not try standing and fall on repeat, there's barely time to catch a breath and for sure I have to stand on the first try and not fall. There are no room for failure. I look around to see people with the same problem as me, the difference is I watch them go. I watch the sun rays shine on them, it was late but it came and then they are happy like everybody else. While me, I am still in the darkness. Doing stuffs, hoping it works. Watering the seed, waiting for the sun so I can bloom too. 

I thought I'd be good with a little bit of time and space. It wasn't an option.

You're not trying hard enough.                                  

                                               So what did you do to fix it? 

Did you make effort?                                 Why she can do it but you can't ?

                                   If you did made an effort why it turned out to be like this?

When you feel too sad, you lost a bit of your memory. I guess when you lost the memory you lost the pain. I do the stand and fall on repeat ;the classics, and the higher you climb the more pain you get when you fall. Makes it harder to get up every time. But you can choose to lie down or to get up. And it is not wrong to lie down and let it pass but hell giving up is hard. Giving up is like letting go, but like a time line, you're not moving forward or moving back, you're stuck right at the point when you decide you'd stop walking. Like dying but you didn't move to the other phase, you're in the state of nothing-ness. Stranded. So, didn't it make you claustrophobic thinking about it?

I lash it all out I could. I blame it on the world, the fate, everything. I did everything .As time moves and so did I; I figured out fuck it if it ends then just kill me. So, instead of just going with the flow effortlessly , I paddled my way through. It didn't solve the problem but it got better and honestly, better is all I need. Back then, I refused to let things happened and be angry at all times, when it pushes, I pushed it back, I can't settle. But the way things are, (plus a bunch of depressive tumblr text posts) makes me figure out. Maybe this is growth. 

This is the time where I got molded, where everything just changes, this is the turning point. 

The outcome is not clear yet, the oars are not over, but a thing that doesn't kill you in a  w a y does make you stronger. There could be other turning points in the future. This is your growth, don't let them outgrow you. Even if you're a captain of a sinking ship, make sure you live to tell the tale. 

Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. [Al-Baqarah, 2:216]

Heads up .

I was okay .

I was okay .

I was normal .

But then just because of one thing that triggered it , it came back like a big oar and suddenly i am in the middle of the sea. Waiting for the wave to crash me. Then i found myself sinking deep again . I couldn't think , it doesn't take that much for it to come back. Just one simple thing. Makes me wonder how weak i am as a person. After that, i stopped living for a moment. Till the oars calm done. Till the sea calm again , the storm stopped. I am all alone at the shore again but i am okay . Waiting to be drag back to the middle of the sea, got crashed and sink again, until i end up back on the shore.

Greedy.

I just thought. That what if what I was struggling or looking for after all this time is just because of my greed. I mean after all , I don’t want to be an engineer anyway , in the future I don’t want to do things related to this field at all , at least (probably 10% related?) . Looking way back, I chose engineering because it is said to be a very broad field.  Because I didn’t know what I want back then, so I made this choice. And after some time has passed, I truly learned what passion means, and what is it like to live without it. I made this choice so I can choose my path after this, find things I wanna do. I made this choice as a bridge a stepping stone so that I could jump to the place it truly want to be.

I actually bet on that 10% //

But then here I am, complaining, getting sad because I couldn’t do better like others. No matter how much I strive, things remain like that. Or probably it changed a bit but compared to what I’ve felt, it never satisfies. Am I being ungrateful here despite everything? I just want to do better.

Anyway though as I said, am I just being greedy? I didn’t want to get involved in this. I just want to score, mark that A+ on everything I do. Because I want to be A+ at everything. Miss knows it all. There there. Was that all greed? Was it worth to be sad, depressed for? Does it worth the swollen eyes I get in the morning because all of the crying I did the night before. Does it worth comparing myself to other people and then acknowledging myself to be stupid, because I am not as smart as others? 

 And I know there are others like me, but they end up being good at it instead while I suck. I guess that goes for all of them except me.

If it was all greed, does it worth it? I mean I still have to do well, but the sadness, the depression does it worth it? When I am actually be sad for things that I probably not gonna use in the future?

I know I need to do that jump, but before that I gotta make sure that I get through that bridge. I don’t need to be sad because everyone else is crossing with friends, with sparks burning behind their eye because they have figured out what they want, and because their journey ends once they cross that bridge, while I still have to make that jump.

It is a long journey, but I hope it’s worth it.

We never know what’s at the end of the road. //

lost.

I just don't know how many pages of sadness i needed by now. Dear future self , if this troubled you in any kind of way. I am sorry , I just thought writing would cure a bit of this damn heartbreak. I didn't know this pain would grow and last this long. I feel like i am trapped. Got nowhere to go, close end, just needed to squeeze my way in. Hell i did not regret my choice, if i had to choose one more time, i still take this road. I just wonder , why in the world i cannot pave my way in ?

 Everything came in all direction. I was okay for a moment then even a simplest thing triggered me. Base of it was stupid , said that it doesn't define me, life is not all about those damn letters used to measure you. But I act like it was my whole life. Well probably because it hold the whole weight of my life. Im at the edge, let go of the rope , i'd dive in.

I can't dive in//

Because life isn't all about me. It was never that way.