art tings.

太宰ちゃん、「文豪ストレイドッグス」

It has been about two months without sunlight. Even so i have been drawing almost everyday. Things has been going per usual. But knowing that im the type to plan everything in mind before doing it and i'd spend every hour overthinking how to perfect a painting/drawing and ends up not doing it. But in the middle of that i realized that i am actually quite disappointed with myself you know, having the time but not getting much out of it. -Later i heard this word of motivation, from an anime i watch. 

「別にカンペキではなくていい、やればいいんだ」”it doesn't matter if it is not perfect, as long as you do it”

Nevertheless, sounds like it holds no power. 当たり前だよ but somehow it just hit me and you know i start drawing while having that in my mind. Art wise- i do like painting but i really hate drawing. Especially 2D character, my work always leans towards human, semi realism portraits etc. Although i just draw everything but it is mostly that. But since i was watching anime i did some practice and honestly i got better. It has been a long time since i drew anime. 

You know  now im glad im out of white gouache. Oh whats the rant behind white gouache? 

Technically white gouache is widely used, in watercolor/gouache paintings. But especially gouache paintings tho, I can't say for everybody else but i would need it to lighten up the color. In watercolors you basically need it for highlight, in most cases. And only brought my travel set gouache with me, failed to purchase any here;

So i ended up just practice drawing. Succeeded buying some drawing markers and been filling up my sketchbook with it. It went well, not thinking how would the art turn out in my head but straight up drawing it on the paper. So far so good. Still far from being able to draw without reference but proportions? inking, getting better. Feels like a glow up. How so?

１－I used to feel proud after finishing an art, thinking it was good enough-. But now, everything i finish it always feels like it is lacking something, in other words room for improvement. I saw something better in my mind, but im just not there yet. -i saw something better, thats why i think im improving. No longer settling down, wished for more.  

2 －I used my brain this time. eh? Yep before I don't really think, simply i never erase anything just go with it. Like for examples, mixing colors. Not the same color? The hell with it.  But now strokes after strokes requires me to think. 

Is this how not being depressed feels like? 

Since quarantine everybody else been blogging out of the boredom, i guess. Personally it is good seeing everybody back in, but how i wish they post about something personal? Like hobbies, feelings, growth? themselves. Instead of facts related? Like something you would write in an essay. Am i indirectly roasting? No hate just personal writings carries more emotion, and human things are never boring. peace//

random thoughts;

1. If you'd asked me what im made up of, i would say there are these two major parts of me. Say, each of this part get to name each other, one side would be called too-overly-dramatic-metaphor-shit-side and another one is just-meme-side. I would say my brain hypothetically is divided exactly into this two parts. So basically they contradict each other right, one seemed serious and another one is more laid back. And since all of this is just in my head thingy, it would prevent me to do something. You would say it is just protective mechanism you know, so that I would not say something stupid, or too serious. Or simply, i just worry too much. And i wish less of any of this part to be treated lightly. Like you know enjoy the fun me, and laugh at my jokes, and also take my words seriously.

2.  Definitely, this has been on my mind recently, or i just discovered of this 'truth' recently, since you know being in quarantine makes you think, that i  sounded angry and that's annoying. And why is that highlighted because i think that is probably (well after all this year i think obviously) i got less friends. And have you ever been 'diagnosed with loneliness and depression as a part of your personality? Like i mean imagine reading your personality traits and found out that 'lone wolf' & 'easily depressed' is one of the traits, like imagine. On top of that, i sounded angry. I just realized sometimes, when i said things and people responded as if i was being angry with them. It probably has something to do with the tone of my voice. I don't mean it, definitely not angry at all. And if i am right this happened long time ago too, subconsciously considering i've only realized this by now . People esp the one who does not know me personally dislike dealing with me. Yeah well, i'd hate to have a conversation with someone who sounded angry too.

3. Anime.
 I've watch anime this past weeks. Last night, i even stayed up watching a whole season of this anime. I never liked anime. I don't hate them I watch some of them but very little. But not to the point that I would identify myself as someone who watch anime. And this was long ago, high school up until recently. I do like them better now. I just wonder maybe that is because i understand the language now so it just much better? Nevertheless liking them now isn't a bad thing. Might be a chance for me to start learning japanese from the bottom of my heart. For real for real, never liked the language.