senior year two.

ssup. hehe

Not long from now, literally tomorrow I am going back to college from what said the longest 'vacation' we will ever have here and now the vacations ending. You know this makes me feel like that scene from Toy Story where Andy is leaving for college lol. Yall probably wondering why I sound so sad lol like relax everybody goes through a semester then holiday. Well true but our vacation doesnt usually lasts months like everyone else's. As I said this is the longest which is four weeks. And which is like the first time ever in 2 years of college, its usually two weeks at bests.

Unfortunately, it is ending and this year would be the senior year. Oh yes fabulous. I couldn't help but thinking of my senior in high school. It was all glory. I think the reason that I couldn't be happy here in college because I keep comparing the present to my glory;past. But it's hard to forget the rich and glory. Notice how we keep repeating the sejarah melayu melaka in history lol, word. But I hope it is not to late to start living in the present? I mean just for once I wanted to appreciate the people and the situation around me. Stop comparing every person, situation, accident from my present with the past. And live. 

Every semester is grinding and hard works and all that overwhelmed feelings. Sometimes it's the pain that stopped me into realizing the reality beneath. I keep hiding, shielding myself from the world because apparently it is too cruel to me. I am not gonna lie that it forcefully dragged me out of the comfort zones tho, there are days where I felt like it is the end. But sometimes I want to voluntarily step out and fight. I lacked the courage. 

I felt sorry for the one who had to face the masked me because I am too scared. I don't want to get hurt. You deserve more.

This holiday nothing much just the internet as usual. You know usually I recharged myself, my wisdom(ehek) and everything by watching movies and stuffs. But the wifi got cut and I can't download any until yesterday, it sucks. What can I do anyway, not the first time. I had a good time, my siblings here at home, it was good. Heard a bunch of radio lewl you know Music Access with Bernard and Day6 Jae on Monday, (an avid DAY6's fan ehew), probably heard all of em. For some reason I could relate with Bernard most of the time lol. 

About the senior year tho, a year left before flying. I don't know what to expect. Just I always pray I would be happier. Sadly living just feel so bad. I want to get it done at least happier, appreciating people around me, contented. Honestly, I made this promise long time ago but if I get through this, I would just probably wail out and write a blog post about it AHAHAHAH #typical. Managed a few blog posts these four weeks, impressive. Well, I'll update more about it as we go. 

Thank you for all the great experiences. Last day of long weeks of sipping coffee and write a blog post while listening to bomb songs. It has been great. Back to workin'. Pray for me. To all the batchmates (0 probability yall be reading this but im just saying this to myself), we cool , I've said this before friendship may not come easy to us but we cool, and we stay cool. May God bless. 

Cheers.

adult-ness

ssup. {pardon the long ass post}

Long ass time no see. I don't take note what has changed since i last update this depressing blog. I remember when i told them i delete my old blog ( no reason why , can't recall so i'll blame the depression & mental) , my friend asked my wAAHY?!!1 . I miss the owo(read as emoticon) me. Good sweet ol' owo me. A good kid. RIP

Oh , it's holiday now. Good four weeks of rest before entering next year, next semester of senior year babeh. I cannot say much as I feel like if I mention something, I have to tell the back story since I didn't really update my blog. It has been hell (2017, literally). Study, life, mood, my mental, uhm not good. And when I say not good, I don't mean my smartass friend's 'i flunk the test' not good, because that's shit is the biggest lie smartass people make. My not good means fuck-let-me-sleep-for-3-years kinda not good. 2017 ; is me in the middle of the ocean , half naked, with oars and lightning. and me with basic knowledge on how to swim, barely staying on the surface, basically asking myself do-i-really-want-to-live few times, days night on repeat. 

After what happened end of last year (?) , quite traumatizing for me so i don't exactly remember when or what actually happen that day, what people say to me, what i feel, I honestly don't remember much about it. It didn't drastically cure my mental lol , I don't get constant depression just cynical, but what they say what didn't kill you make you stronger. Tho, i still don't prefer that method. But alhamdulillah, I'm grateful for it. 

2018 tho, did i tell you i am turning 20 this year whaaat as usual, feel 16, look 16, nothing changed since I'm 16, don't fool yourself, am 16 actually. It's just numbers. I honestly expect more, but you know I know you just don't adult overnight. Well, maybe you do but maybe not yet, I think I'm still in my puberty phase. Tho, i noticed that i grow up to be lil bit petty, lil bit of an asshole, lil salty, am i turning to a douche (puberty) , yeah maybe. I still write tho, not on the day it happened but the next day lol but yeah I still do , I hope i forever will. 

Last year was hell, this year's schedule gonna be hell-er man. I didn't even properly checked it yet, but the thought of it already makes me tired. Bismillah, I hope I am at least fully clothed this time in the middle of the oar. 

Holiday has been great. I mean, now im typing on an aesthetic pattern mattress, sipping on cold neslo, listening to this non-japanese singing japanese song wtf and he is so good ;on spotify (Chris Hart- I love you) #goalsaf . This is how everyday I wish to be. Chillin on the internet, checking online stuffs that I want to buy tho I'm broke af , sipping cold drinks okay #goalsaf #brokeaf.

Every semester is a new challenge . Tho sometimes, once you settle in the raging oars, you'll find yourself closer to the shore .

 /heart emoji/