adult-ness

ssup. {pardon the long ass post}

Long ass time no see. I don't take note what has changed since i last update this depressing blog. I remember when i told them i delete my old blog ( no reason why , can't recall so i'll blame the depression & mental) , my friend asked my wAAHY?!!1 . I miss the owo(read as emoticon) me. Good sweet ol' owo me. A good kid. RIP

Oh , it's holiday now. Good four weeks of rest before entering next year, next semester of senior year babeh. I cannot say much as I feel like if I mention something, I have to tell the back story since I didn't really update my blog. It has been hell (2017, literally). Study, life, mood, my mental, uhm not good. And when I say not good, I don't mean my smartass friend's 'i flunk the test' not good, because that's shit is the biggest lie smartass people make. My not good means fuck-let-me-sleep-for-3-years kinda not good. 2017 ; is me in the middle of the ocean , half naked, with oars and lightning. and me with basic knowledge on how to swim, barely staying on the surface, basically asking myself do-i-really-want-to-live few times, days night on repeat. 

After what happened end of last year (?) , quite traumatizing for me so i don't exactly remember when or what actually happen that day, what people say to me, what i feel, I honestly don't remember much about it. It didn't drastically cure my mental lol , I don't get constant depression just cynical, but what they say what didn't kill you make you stronger. Tho, i still don't prefer that method. But alhamdulillah, I'm grateful for it. 

2018 tho, did i tell you i am turning 20 this year whaaat as usual, feel 16, look 16, nothing changed since I'm 16, don't fool yourself, am 16 actually. It's just numbers. I honestly expect more, but you know I know you just don't adult overnight. Well, maybe you do but maybe not yet, I think I'm still in my puberty phase. Tho, i noticed that i grow up to be lil bit petty, lil bit of an asshole, lil salty, am i turning to a douche (puberty) , yeah maybe. I still write tho, not on the day it happened but the next day lol but yeah I still do , I hope i forever will. 

Last year was hell, this year's schedule gonna be hell-er man. I didn't even properly checked it yet, but the thought of it already makes me tired. Bismillah, I hope I am at least fully clothed this time in the middle of the oar. 

Holiday has been great. I mean, now im typing on an aesthetic pattern mattress, sipping on cold neslo, listening to this non-japanese singing japanese song wtf and he is so good ;on spotify (Chris Hart- I love you) #goalsaf . This is how everyday I wish to be. Chillin on the internet, checking online stuffs that I want to buy tho I'm broke af , sipping cold drinks okay #goalsaf #brokeaf.

Every semester is a new challenge . Tho sometimes, once you settle in the raging oars, you'll find yourself closer to the shore .

 /heart emoji/