It has been a long minute

 Twenty-seven almost, i would never guess that life would turn this way. 

I missed writing, about life. 

Dear you, if you were to know this exact part of me would you care to read it? Day by day, i always almost forgot who i was, what i used to do, what i like and well so forth.

Life is messy but i’d say there are a lot of things i should and am grateful for. The problem is my heart and my mind. I don’t know how to cure it. And i don’t know if it was because the sake of this relationship that i have turn this way. I am tired of trying. Every words written in my journal screams of suffering. It hurts. But really what can i do about it? Probably a lot of things.

People around me said that, i shouldn’t think too much of bad things. These thoughts are parasitic and it isnt true. Really? What if it is? What come of me if these thoughts are in fact proven to be true? 

But really nothing i can do about it. 

a cool person; (draft dump)

Random update as i was really busy with midterm presentation for my university final year thesis. I spend most of my time thinking maybe i was stupid after all. I even fail to write a simple e-mail and got no reply as to why i am over thinking so much. But anyway just a random thought. 

People who own their mistakes are really cool isn't. 

Not that type to say sorry all the time; you have to be careful, if you apologize so that other people feel bad then you are a piece of shit. You are running away, imo. You don't want to take the blame. 

Maybe thats what they meant by 'saying sorry won't fix it', you need to own your mistakes and take responsibility. Like i really hate it when someone did me wrong and they apologized straight away. In the context where I wanted to be angry. Like you know 'I am sorry, don't be mad'. 

Screw you, you wronged me and I could not even be mad? 

In this situation, i wanted to be angry for a few days and then forgive. 

So if you wrong people and they are mad at you, accept it. You deserve it, no? 

Another example, some people just does not want to be troubled. Rather than

 'Don't do this and this because i am not going to save you if anything goes wrong'

In that sentence i understand you are worried but it just makes me feel like i am not important. 

(Hypothetically) 

first job, future endeavors

 

hi it's been a looong time since i last update. 

i really want to write more i guess i just lost my passion smh. 

anyway, quick recap over these pasts months. Just got back home settling down, clean my room. Setting up a new bedroom + study table although i just graduated. Ended up getting a job that requires me to work from home. In this pandemic, I could not be more thankful. And last Friday i think, all my stuffs that i posted arrived home. So all my precious books/manga/memoirs are now save with me. And all feels like it never existed before. 

So as known, I have been suffering from this undiagnosed depression lmao, really i am trying but meeting a therapist is so hard. I don't know how to do it and more i don't trust them lol; there are story that I have read and heard that you know it does not end up that well. But i am trying. 

I don't have anything else to write, other than passion. I read this just now because I was having this depressive mood attack, which I experience monthly if not weekly in the course of 5 years, yes. Homegirl literally read suicide notes for breakfast. 

Uhm anyway passion. 

I’m the CEO of a stellar company, yet I’m not happy. Is that normal?

I’m running 6 miles a day, yet I’m not happy. Is that normal?

I own a huge mansion resort, yet I’m not happy. Is that normal?

What is not normal is how we equate success to happiness, when happiness comes (in my opinion) from one thing: love.

Why do people with good grades seem happier? It is never a grade that makes you truly happy, it’s the devotion that you put into your studies. It is so rewarding to see progress within yourself, to learn new things.

A grade itself is just a letter. Being CEO is just a title. 6 miles? Sure, it sounds like a lot of miles—unless you know you can run more. And a huge mansion resort means nothing if you have no one to share it with.

Without real passion, there is no meaning.

Love yourself. Love everyone around you. Love what you do. You will find happiness without ever having to look.

from Quora. 

I just realized, maybe I did not enjoy a single thing I did these pasts 5 years. Engineering school, hell yeah engineering school on top of that unable to connect or create a new relationship with new people. Results in being lonely. Did not enjoy my life that much even though i literally had a chance to be abroad. I can't feel happy. In those moments I feel, hell why am i not happy. When i should be, these chances are rare. And continue to hate myself.

Am i not being grateful? I thought. I tried and tried but I  just cant, I cant be happy I am always so sad, feeling helpless, not living my best life when I should have.  So maybe I lost my real passion. Sorry it is kind of corny. If I had the choice, I would not want to be this sad. 

There are so much opportunity i missed just because I am sad. 

Even then, I wanted to be loved. For someone to say, nah it is okay, you did good. And you know say no to everything bad i said about myself. Love yourself, but you cannot deny the feeling of wanting to be important for some one else too. 

some new films!

 

long time no see!

it is december now and i have been really busy with thesis writing for my final research hence the no update. But on my birthday last week, i managed to go out! yay remember the Van Gogh thing last year, i didnt go because i could not stop wailing in my bed, on my birthday #mentalbreakdown! 

Just went out to the neareast hiking(?), recreation place near where i live and managed to take some pictures. This time im using an expired film! With my slr camera since i can then change the iso, shutter speed and etc. Anyway here you go!

did you see them light flares!

it is the film! back on last post i think i was using expired film too, but then the camera i was using is auto so i could not change the iso and such, thats why it came out underexpose but this time it came out firee! (yass). Anyway i uh havent been to continue taking pic for now, i just need some snow pic!

p/s: i am conducting this research about a journaling application design, part of it related to moods/ bad days etc since you know it is about journaling as form of therapy yada yada so if you dont mind to answer. The survey will go on for a bout a week or such!

: click here!

ciao!

first and second roll of films

 

it's been a minute!

finally i finished the first roll of this camera. It is harder to take 36 photos these days because i did not go anywhere. And I can't find anything to shoot these days. 

To be honest I am kinda disappointed this time because the photos does not come out the way i wanted them to be. It is mostly blurry. Although this time all the photos are either indoor or within low light condition because the season is changing and there was typhoon recently so it was mostly cloudy/rainy days. 

And there are bunch of night photos too, it is kinda my fault for using film with low ISO. I turned on the flash but it is not flattering I don't know what it is..

and honesty these days i have been busy collecting used film camera(s) and accessories so i have been spending my time trying it. Also, expired films since it is cheaper and i can buy it in bulk. I have not try all of them yet. Just finished a roll of fujifilm's 27 super- i dont remember the name but i used it with another film camera with a broken flash that i bought while thrifting. On a night out, again /disappointment/ 

it came out underexposed!!

Because i was dumb literally. I mean we are supposed to go out at noon but ends up being at night, i prefer night shot really. Took some photos inside but it came out dark too eventually. 

the photo inside

vending machine by the train station near my house. 

I have been wanting to photograph the vending machine for such a long time. I think it will look just fine if i had flash with me but i did not. And i was using expired film so that did not help. But the photos came out sharp! Tho underexposed.

My next mission would be trying out another expired film from different batch but this time with a manual camera so i have the full control and see how it goes. Still not sure what should i shoot tho. And i have no friends here that too did not help at all /sigh/ 

Anyway until then!

よろしく頼む

Hello whats good.

I AM updating this in real time hehe. finally my camera has arrived! It is a point and shoot film camera. I have always wanted a point and shoot camera, i owned one already but this one the film winds automatically. I don't want to explain in detail but this one got a digital touch to it. It is not my first film camera though, it is my third actually and the cheapest among them. 

RICOH RZ-800

I bought a wrong battery by accident and now I have the wait for the right one to arrive. And i can't wait to go out and take pictures again but I don't know where to go. Nature is the best in my opinion but I could not find a place. I am in Tokyo, and sometimes I got pretty jealous of the one who lives away from the city. I would still prefer the city because public transportation lol but they have a bunch of pretty place that is fun to go alone. Going to places alone is fun but then when your hobby is taking pictures sometimes, you want a picture of you/sigh/ 

lunch today by my housemate. 

I have a lot of things i want to do before school starts but I cannot lift my finger. I cannot get out of bed and the cycle repeats. I am honestly exhausted. This pain makes me feel like i am letting go of a precious chance that does not come twice in life. And I could not take it, because i am mentally unable to. That sucks. Probably in a few years from now I am sure I will regret it, maybe blame myself for it. But by then it is already to late. 

I have other plans. Like you know go back and get treatment and try to live. But still contemplating. Not moving. 

"It is an illness it can't just go away."

I wish it did, because I have shit to do. 

Nah sorry for another depression talk i am honestly sick of it too. Anyway, can't wait to use this camera! That's just it for now. Ciao.  

 

is back,

THIS MIGHT BE A CALL FOR A USELESS UPDATE BUT

been missing for more than weeks as i was busy with preparation for midterm presentation and going back process,

Anyway, 

back here in the land of the rising sun. It is currently very hot, but i am happy as i got all my gears(art stuffs, camera, laptop) so i could spend the time left for creating.  Actually i have an idea of posting a v-log instead of writing a post but i was overwhelmed with how well my laptop handle this new editing software /cries/ i used to subscribe to Adobe premier but it crashes every time i click on a button. But this one feels promising. I just tried tweaking here and there and it was fun but im learning. Will post a footage later~

Currently on fifth day of quarantine, had a mental breakdown two days ago it was pretty bad it was hard to breathe. I don't know what triggered it because i was just fine in the afternoon. Could not sleep until sunrise. 

Oh oh oh 

I accidentally bought this new film camera it has not arrived yet but wth please yell at me for wasting my money /cries/. I am excited to shoot more film & digital of course but the heat makes me does not want to leave the house, it was like that in the cold too /sigh/. I just hate going out. It kinda make me realize that i really love malaysia's weather it was just right. I miss home. 

so i am currently learning about multiple software, editing and digital arts. Yes, i make digital arts and traditional art. My main medium is gouache&watercolor. Did not get the chance to talk about this but i have a link of my instagram art account at my sidebar it is @k1dcatno which means k1dcatの which is k1dcat's (art). Unnecessary explanation hee however if you like this kind of thing we could be friends. (k1dcat is my main username) 

That's for now i guess! C ya~

if you are an adult, this

 This thought came to me yesterday, 

My question is dear people who has started adulthood, age ranging from 22-30, what are you doing with your life? Like what drives you to keep living? 

Or are you just living and working. 

My point is whats the fun thing now? I mean as a students we always have a certain purpose like you know get straight As, get to good school, get to good university, graduate etc. And so now we are working so now the purpose is to get rich? I am not considering marriage in this because i have never been into a monkey love relationship even when i was a high school-er and stupid. So having to consider that into my life plan is out of the question. And especially as a girl it kind of ends with marriage. I mean not end of the world but you know usual thing like have kids, maybe do some business etc. 

Here I am thinking of  buying an electric guitar and take a piano lesson (woo two instrument ambitious i know I couldn't play heck of music), so basically just doing my hobbies but now with money. 

 Basically i plan to live my 22-30 like how i would live my life if i was a rich teenager. (with more self-control and careful planning)

Is it how it is for you guys? Is it how most people roll these days? I would appreciate comments. This is solely based on curiosity. 

Cheers. 

a quiet, almost empty town; a station awayー相模湖

that gloomy summer day. (first met)

once in a random summer day, when most of us had already returned to malaysia for summer holidays and some of us did not(me & sum friends), i made a random hangout gateway day with me and a friend. A friend took me to this small town, idk i guess it is a town, located a station away from where we lives. Our plan was to look for sunflower field near fuji, but the friend asks me if i wanted to see it and i agreed. 

It is one station away but took quiet long to reach, anyway we arrived, it was early in the morning and the day was kind of gloomy. The town felt calm and nobody was around, i mean it was early in the morning. So the friend went on and show me this man-made lake as we walk further into the town, mind you i am not close with this friend, i had no friend friend kinda friend (you know what i mean), but as i am that kind of person who lives on adventure and impulsive choices here we go *que netflix intro*. So to break the ice we were just chillin and talking about stuffs, it was just the two of us so it was not awkward, i am bad with crowds but i can handle one person with no problem(HAHA). 

we ended up by this abandoned bowling alley. It was old....and abandoned. The window was broken. And stood or should i say lie down in front of the front door was a big ass doraemon statue(?) oh on this netflix series adventure i brought along my film camera so of course, i took a picture of it. 

yes just the bowling sign, because imagine taking the doraemon pic and develop it and noticing someone who is not us in it, no. Oh look at greens tho, yay vegetables. 

nothing in this adventure is meant to be horror, reminder. it all aesthetic and fun *chefs kiss*

and we got to the lake and sit on the bench, by the lake. the friend eating sandwiches while i drank my coffee because i cannot eat in the morning it makes me shit. And by the lake there were duck boats.

see how gloomy and foggy it is. You can rent it apparently, tho we did not. The guy at the store acts pretty friendly for a town that has not much people in it. And we just walk by the lake, up until this small road(?) that reminds me of the movie spirited away. There were the sound of water flowing from a bamboo water fountain nearby. It felt 'ZEN' lol. 

i wonder why. oh the shops were open but there were no people. it was the end of the road so we turned back. I took a few pictures and we left to the 

next destination : read about the sunflower field trip!

 

And then we walked back to the stations. There were some old people walking and we greet them, they smiled at us while talking to each other. Probably wondering why since maybe foreigner never went to this place after all? maybe. There were some cafes nearby we did not go tho, this place was not the main destination anyway. So we left for our next train. 

the cute cafe that we did not go ;(

The quiet-ness of the town kind of making me feel alive at some point. Feeling like going there again. Alone. 

And probably two weeks after that i brought a friend that comes visit me for summer, to this place. We walk and talk and take pictures. That day, it rained. 

 & summer ends. 

the heat resides and some of the trees go brown. autumn has started, more layers to the clothing, and before it ends i went again to the quiet town, a station away 相模湖 (read: sa-ga-mi-ko) 

to be continue!

p/s: so i finally write about my favourite town that a friend introduced after talking about making a post about it last year. I had to prepare for slides for meeting tmr but this is where i ended up. Wish me luck!

and oh google on your own risk *warning*(if you are easily scared like me cover your eyes first lmao)

相模湖ドラえもん to see the doraemon :D

(d.)we are not close but moments that might have reach this soul.

1. first, or maybe second year of college, probably just chilling outside the hall with some of the girls;-they were listening to some songs and one of them said this to me "you like this kind of songs right? slow songs but then got a rap along with it?". And i asked her how does she know that? I do like that kind of songs tho, for real, in fact i didn't even realize it until she put it into words. Then she said "of course, dah kenal berapa lama dah". She was not even a close friend, I don't have any in college. 

2. Presentation. Graph presentation. Japanese class. Obviously in japanese. Right after the presentation the class need to ask some question to the presenter for marks. It was my turn, one of the kid who is known for throwing/asking hard question raise his hand. I was presenting a graph about global warming. Question asked regarding "How does America affect the bla bla " something like that. I answer it, struggling with words but i managed to pull through while looking at his eyes. And i realized, oh those eyes do not want to bring me down, you know since he is known for asking hard question, those eyes want to help. Managed to get to the last word and getting a big nod from him. Like wishing me 'yazz you got it gurl'. 

3. Hearing what people think about me. English class, since im the quiet type nobody knows me, legit. It was my turn to present, i talk about inner beauty something like that. Quoting that person "it was the first time i saw you speak, felt like getting up my seat and give a big applause for the speech, good content". Honestly, i was rambling and nervous to the core. 

Honestly being the kind of person i am with absolutely no social life or friends,  as if in the icy cold cage that i have built around my heart, warmth comes visit.

our 2-D boyfriend(s)

some instagram quick sketches ; then i put Klaus (Black Clover) as the face lol

How is it going for all of you. Seeing comments on my not so recent post really feels heart warming. Ever since that day i guess I have been watching a lot of animes. More than usual, i mean there are anime that i really liked since high school but these days I have been venturing for some good good stuffs. I used not to have much interest on them; anime. But i guess it is the boredom. Definitely worth it tho /cries/ 

I just finished this one old anime called NANA. It is from 2006 so the anime style is kinda classic, something like sailor moon vibe. Nevertheless it felt more natural? as in having proportional features such as body and eye size. The genre is 少女 {shou-jo}, slice of life. Plot wise, your typical young teenage life drama but the amount of betrayal i got is unbelievable. 

Recommended if you want something with plot twist and frustrations. It keeps me going though although manage to keep my frustration at par. Because usually i got frustrated with the character and never continue the story but this one kept me going. 43 episodes but the story is unfinished 🤡. I mean it did not stop in the middle it is just got discontinued after season 3? 4? I am too lazy to read the manga so i just deal with it lmao. 

Lately, from the young children of tik tok (definitely download it because of the art vids) haikyuu ? boku no hero academia? is like everywhere. Of course i watched all of them already. And already finished a bunch of them animes in order to keep my japanese going, otherwise when i got back i won't be able to utter a single word. My favourite so far is (excluding  the og) .... probably Black Clover ...even compared to Inuyasha. I watched Inuyasha because it reminds me of my childhood you know it used to air at NTV7 and I never got the chance to finish it. By the way why is no one talking about Black Clover enough /cries/ I meant I could not even find my favourite scene in youtube. 

I don't read manga because it does not help with my japanese lol. And reading really waste my time at the moment because I could not do anything when reading except drinking coffee. I could at least draw, drink coffee, listen to podcast while watching anime. No i cannot multitask that much i just have short attention span lmao. 

Lately final year thesis is rotting my brain. I don't know what is it but it is really stressing me out like I don't even decide my research topic yet what the hell. Need someone to discuss with /criess/

So kids be happy, continue collecting 2D boyfriends!

p/s: please do share some of your favourite anime if you have any!! 

 

俺に一言

For the past few weeks i have written nothing but paragraphs of rants that remained as drafts. I did not post it because i feel like it was baseless with no strong foundation. Putting something out publicly meaning it supposed to  have value. 

Nah. 

But sometime, don't we all just wished to be heard? Does it have to matter? Does it have to carry that much value. Does it have to sound proper and high profile. 

I don't even know. But I stop myself from posting because later I felt stupid about it. 

However agreed on the 'wished to be heard' part. 

These days, on the days that i don't get to forget and just be carried away by another fictions into the dimensional world, absorbing myself into a story arc to another amazing complicated story arc, putting myself in the shoes of those characters in the plot, pretending my judgement against their choices matter like i am a close friend of the main character or something. Getting carried away by emotion kind of makes me feel alive at one point. Anger, disappointed, disagreement, jealousy, feeling those emotion rush in your blood. 

Entertainment is there for a reason huh. It helps you escape, helps you forgets. 

Downside of being alone is, you only hear yourself. It makes me feel dumber at one point. Reality I had no one to talk to. Does not have to be something important just sometime hearing opinions. I don't know why it matter, but I want my voices to be heard. And hell, this mind never shut the effed up. 

If you got something inside you that you bottled up for so long to the point like it is too much now that to let it out requires you to start explaining from the beginning, but it is too much, you don't even know where the beginning is. 

As a result of overthinking(my guess, I don't believe that you could pass the limit of thinking but apparently that is what is called when it ends up harmful; in a negative way), for the first time in my life i told myself i want to disappear. Not dying in a place nobody would find you, but more like disappear.. as in cease to exist. Like when thanos snapped his finger and everyone went puff. 

Like  puff. That day, I definitely want to go puff.

It goes on for weeks before it went away. 

art tings.

太宰ちゃん、「文豪ストレイドッグス」

It has been about two months without sunlight. Even so i have been drawing almost everyday. Things has been going per usual. But knowing that im the type to plan everything in mind before doing it and i'd spend every hour overthinking how to perfect a painting/drawing and ends up not doing it. But in the middle of that i realized that i am actually quite disappointed with myself you know, having the time but not getting much out of it. -Later i heard this word of motivation, from an anime i watch. 

「別にカンペキではなくていい、やればいいんだ」”it doesn't matter if it is not perfect, as long as you do it”

Nevertheless, sounds like it holds no power. 当たり前だよ but somehow it just hit me and you know i start drawing while having that in my mind. Art wise- i do like painting but i really hate drawing. Especially 2D character, my work always leans towards human, semi realism portraits etc. Although i just draw everything but it is mostly that. But since i was watching anime i did some practice and honestly i got better. It has been a long time since i drew anime. 

You know  now im glad im out of white gouache. Oh whats the rant behind white gouache? 

Technically white gouache is widely used, in watercolor/gouache paintings. But especially gouache paintings tho, I can't say for everybody else but i would need it to lighten up the color. In watercolors you basically need it for highlight, in most cases. And only brought my travel set gouache with me, failed to purchase any here;

So i ended up just practice drawing. Succeeded buying some drawing markers and been filling up my sketchbook with it. It went well, not thinking how would the art turn out in my head but straight up drawing it on the paper. So far so good. Still far from being able to draw without reference but proportions? inking, getting better. Feels like a glow up. How so?

１－I used to feel proud after finishing an art, thinking it was good enough-. But now, everything i finish it always feels like it is lacking something, in other words room for improvement. I saw something better in my mind, but im just not there yet. -i saw something better, thats why i think im improving. No longer settling down, wished for more.  

2 －I used my brain this time. eh? Yep before I don't really think, simply i never erase anything just go with it. Like for examples, mixing colors. Not the same color? The hell with it.  But now strokes after strokes requires me to think. 

Is this how not being depressed feels like? 

Since quarantine everybody else been blogging out of the boredom, i guess. Personally it is good seeing everybody back in, but how i wish they post about something personal? Like hobbies, feelings, growth? themselves. Instead of facts related? Like something you would write in an essay. Am i indirectly roasting? No hate just personal writings carries more emotion, and human things are never boring. peace//

random thoughts;

1. If you'd asked me what im made up of, i would say there are these two major parts of me. Say, each of this part get to name each other, one side would be called too-overly-dramatic-metaphor-shit-side and another one is just-meme-side. I would say my brain hypothetically is divided exactly into this two parts. So basically they contradict each other right, one seemed serious and another one is more laid back. And since all of this is just in my head thingy, it would prevent me to do something. You would say it is just protective mechanism you know, so that I would not say something stupid, or too serious. Or simply, i just worry too much. And i wish less of any of this part to be treated lightly. Like you know enjoy the fun me, and laugh at my jokes, and also take my words seriously.

2.  Definitely, this has been on my mind recently, or i just discovered of this 'truth' recently, since you know being in quarantine makes you think, that i  sounded angry and that's annoying. And why is that highlighted because i think that is probably (well after all this year i think obviously) i got less friends. And have you ever been 'diagnosed with loneliness and depression as a part of your personality? Like i mean imagine reading your personality traits and found out that 'lone wolf' & 'easily depressed' is one of the traits, like imagine. On top of that, i sounded angry. I just realized sometimes, when i said things and people responded as if i was being angry with them. It probably has something to do with the tone of my voice. I don't mean it, definitely not angry at all. And if i am right this happened long time ago too, subconsciously considering i've only realized this by now . People esp the one who does not know me personally dislike dealing with me. Yeah well, i'd hate to have a conversation with someone who sounded angry too.

3. Anime.
 I've watch anime this past weeks. Last night, i even stayed up watching a whole season of this anime. I never liked anime. I don't hate them I watch some of them but very little. But not to the point that I would identify myself as someone who watch anime. And this was long ago, high school up until recently. I do like them better now. I just wonder maybe that is because i understand the language now so it just much better? Nevertheless liking them now isn't a bad thing. Might be a chance for me to start learning japanese from the bottom of my heart. For real for real, never liked the language.

on pause;

kodak, last summer. 

sometimes, time where this pandemic does not exist yet i believe (yes there were those times). i kinda wish this world would just stop going so fast and you know, just chill for a bit. i hope graduation can just chill, looking for a new job can chill, starting new life as an adult can chill. and now we have everything literally stagnant, the economy is dropping and we have so many days to sleep! 

everything finally goes the same pace as i did. not remembering the days. wake up, eat and sleep on repeat. maybe, i was not really living back then. since i figured out people actually getting bored being inside their house, i thought oh, they used to have a life, how  nice. while, this has been me all these times. maybe, i was not living, just surviving. making sure the waves crash but does not drown me. am i depressed. i hope not. i hope im just socially awkward and sad. 

this finger tips doesnt seem to be bothered at all to write, despite all of these things running around her head.

i wonder how much dead am i really at heart.

@ 2020

Fuji-q highland、ferris wheel

School;

Few months until spring break. Bunch of assignments left unattended. I love those assignments though, especially the ones related to 3-D modelling and character design and graphic design. It's just all this creative related works that needed to be completed, come at ones. There is no fun in rush in art. Anyway, work can be completed so yolo. Although am feeling really unmotivated lately. Lately, as in 3 years and counting.

Part time;

After a number of times (just twice really) after being told not to come late to work, and I still do because the weather is too cold and I am in love with the heater, I was scolded for the whole day. Meh, I do deserve it. But then again, because the man@boss would not stop picking on me for the rest of the day, it kinda annoyed the shit out of me. Got lectured for being late and work related things that I did wrong, debatable really.

And they do have this thing where, when they thought we could not understand them, they just cut us by saying

'まあ、いや'

which translate too 'mm nevermind' but which feels like 'well f this shit', well depends on tone of voice and facial expression. And it does not help because it makes us the 'gaijin' [gaijin;- (n) short for gaikokujin(外国人) which means foreigner. Also alien.] feels stupid. Although sometimes, kinda glad because you are lazy to talk to them anyway.

I wish not to take this seriously, I mean i look for job only for the money lol so yolo right. But then again, I don't want to be an ass.

first snow; ever so daringly ordinary

"first snow" from balcony 

22nd December was the first snow in my life, in my neighbourhood! Oh well technically not in my life. My first snow was kinda lowkey, it was when i first arrived on March if you look up the news there was a time this year when the snow suddenly appear during the sakura season. That was my first snow, but i was in class that time, i only saw it through the window sad. 

But this one,  i was in my room @ 2AM just finished watching Goblin for the 3rd time in my life and was wildly singing to Ailee's I'll come to you like the first snow ever so out of tune feat my cracking voice but i can assure you the emotion is there (this is really legit) when I hear a knock on my sliding door facing the view of the town.

"Yuki !! (means snow in japanese)" ーmy housemate.

Then i step out, snow was falling mad lightly. Rain hits hard, snow falls lightly. Harder then flower petals but lighter than raindrops. And mate it was sejukkk

nak mammpus

And i took my phone, any camera i have to capture the moment, i know you supposed to enjoy the moment but snow rarely fall in Tokyo and even if it did, it did not pile up. Fun fact, not all place gets piled up with snow and turns white in the after math. There are lowkey snow and highkey snow, lowkey snow is wet because it turns watery by the time it hits, highkey snow is the one that piles up and you can lay down and make a butterfly and beat the shit out of your friends with the snow balls. I used internet language but you know what i mean. I know this fact when my dad dissed my decision to go to Tokyo because he said Tokyo don't snow as much as Hokkaido do, then he kept going on and on about his beloved Hokkaido. (He been to Hokkaido some years ago)

Anyway, lowkey or highkey snow, i came from the equator country with a tropical climate i am thankful of any snow given. I'd take em all. I will end every discrimination against less fun snow and more fun snow. We are all equal and special. So housemate and I, come down from our flat, and by the road side to get full experience of it.

My hands were frozen than Elsa's whole existence. Frozen hands, hurt. But despite the struggles, we managed to take some pics and videos. I brought my camera along, it was covered in snow, I don't know if dslr is water-resistant but I need to capture this moment

Winter holiday starts today. And lasts for about a week and a half? I don't have any plans set for it anyway. I ought to see Van Gogh's exhibition on my birthday but i was so depressed that day I could not managed to lmao. I was very very sad lol. I even took a day of work to kinda go somewhere and celebrate for my birthday but I kept crying since morning and couldn't do anything about it. There are good days and bad days huh.

Should I go tho, I'll update if I did. Currently reading about impressionist artists, arts and etc. There is this thicc book from Taschen I'm reading. Haven't finished it yet tho. But so far I really enjoy it.

Anyway currently busy with assignments and stuff. Will update soon can't wait for semester holiday. See ya!

japan.

"Firework festival ". Edogawa, Pixel 3 

Currently, Tokyo @Autumn 2019, sitting down on this ass cold floor seeping an iced coffee that i bought from 7-eleven. This seemed so late because i never thought of this blog because there is obviously a lott going on this year. I don't know compressing the whole story in a blog post is possible but here we go right at it.

Before thatー A lot of sad, sad, sad because she felt a lot lot stupid. Hence, the depressed talks.
March 9ー Home girl graduated !
2 weeks after thatーFly to the land of rising sun. Right at it. Graduated and off she go.
Currentー university student working part time in a trick art museum since summer, basic japanese and forgets kanji, goes to class but does not understand class.

"random street". 7-ELEVEN, Kodak (i literally don't keep track)

I never to put a close bracket regarding my struggles in college. Though before graduating i promised my self to put up an emotional post on instagram, with a long caption on the usual : you did it finally it all worth it. I thought after graduating college i will feel like a burden has been lift off my chest. Relieved. But i would say, it was not like that. On our last week of college, even after the last final exam, we still gotta have to study/took another two subject about geography & economy. One subject per week. And we only have two weeks before graduation. And those two subjects had a test.

So, if i remember it correctly, we finish all the syllabus for those two subject and took the test after two weeks. All batch members cramped up in a room. It was fast, hassle, ending of something but still be doing something. Like driving a car and almost reaching the destination after all this years but still be accelerating, even at that point. I understand and accepted it back then i mean what can i do, it is just how things work. But i wish, i had a proper closure, take look at my batch mates one last time, though i were possibly out of the radar and did not really talk to anyone. But then, took the two tests, graduated, that doesn't even feel like a graduation, two weeks home, with the same buddy that cramp together in a room studying geography & economics, all we go cramped up in an airplane, and here we are.

"twilight from veranda". Home, Kodak #

And it has been a year, and all that was 2019. Most people be saying this year(any year) flies by so fast, uhm not 2019 baby. 2019 felt looooooooonggg to me.

印象に残ったもの
{things that left impression}
I still remember the day we arrived, it was spring, after arriving and getting out of the airport to board a bus, it does not occur to me yet that i am in a different country because i was inside the building(airport) still, until i got out . .

first: it smell different, almost close to no smell at all

second: it is cold, it feels like inside an air-conditioner but the thing is with air-conditioner  you are inside a room, enclosed, stuffy,confined small room so the air isn't really e very whe r e? so i would say it is different from an air-con inside a room. And in a room there are no trees or nature or sky. This one feels like an air-conditioner is cooling down the whole country, lmao. So the birds, the trees the land feels it too.

third: it feels pinker? blue-er? like pastel pink&blue

four: during the bus ride, i remember me and a friend having a conversation on how the streets are pretty similar to malaysia lol. (idk what we expect at that point) but it kinda feel similar to the streets in KL, well based on our observation during the bus ride lmao.

"By the mountains". Near Fuji-san. Kodak#

All in all, even on this 2019 that feels long, i hope it will never end. 
Life now feels much more relax than before, healthier if i must say, more time to paint, more time to fall in love with things that i am already in love with. But you know, time, having to much of it could really kill you in a different way. That is probably how ungrateful i am as a human being.

Sad part of it, i don't really remember much of before. It just past. Like that.

I guess this marks my closure, took a long time huh.

Now that i am here back writing, i'd say this few days has been fantastic, i don't know how that relates but after a long time not writing, i guess back writing kind of keeping me going. I want to keep record of everything possible while i am given the chance to. I love traditionally writing in my diary but i kind of want to insert picture with it, polaroids still too expensive and kinda irrational, lol. Yeah so here we go. Lets pray that i could use every second that i have feeling, seeing, visiting things in the future.

Ciao!

recap on summer;

Since i already get my hands on this blog, why dont i just continue with some stuff during summer. {Disc: Rather than going home i spent a summer here!}Can't believe it, I already passed a whole season in this country! 

<short re-cap>

certain places and stories would have a special post in the future!

So, im writing based on memory because i literally have no written records of this. first, i got myself a part-time job. Hell yeah my first part time job ever. Currently am working at this one trick art museum a station away from my house. How do I get it. Honestly, it all began when we(my housemate and a friend and I)were walking back from this hari raya party we had at this place we rent. And during that time, I guess we were talking about part-time? And this friend talked about his part-time job. And i told em i wanted to work to but I am afraid of the people and the new place and everything. They kinda told me to just go for it, the people are nice. So, on the same night i log in into this app.

(Yeah japan has this app to look for a part time job, legit) 

-and randomly just apply to 4-5? part time job, ever so impulsively. Then two, maybe three job places, but i didn't answer one of em on accident, phoned me. I answer two, went to interview for one, because the second call i got, i was in starbucks having a mental breakdown after done interview-ing for the first call. Got accepted on the same day. Yeah, here I am now, ever so randomly, ever so me, ending up on foreign place, ever so lonely. There's A LOOT that happened related to my and my part time job but lets save that for another post.

second, went to a random trip. flowers & abandoned town! So, on this random day, a friend asked me. Or tell? me or probably we were just having a random talk, about this sunflower field. Then, we end up just go for it. First, i was introduced to this magnificent aesthetic of this small what look like an abandoned town. Took a lot of pictures, it was really nice there. Spent about an hour or two there, wandering around and sitting by the man-made lake there. Then, we left. I would like to talk more but again that deserved another post.

here a snapshot of little shops in front of the lake

Next, a sunflower field. dead/dying sunflower field. It was somewhere near mount fuji. Before the field took a wrong bus and ended up by the road side but it was all good. It let me know one thing, there are soo many things around mount fuji. Including the flower field. Anyway, we came late lol. There are time where flowers bloom and wilt. So, by the time we went there it was already on the next field. Waiting to be demolished by this big white tractor.

here marks the entrance of the second field lmao. basically all the flowers in this field are dying.

Anyway, not all of em are gone, there are one or maybe two left standing; sincerely thank you. Shout out to those sunflowers who now probably resting in peace in cold lands of this upcoming winter. 

 this one reminds me of Forks;in twilight for some reasons, prolly the trees. 

took this randomly by the zinnia field. 

third, roller coasters & death! Fuji-Q! Which reminds me back in my depressing days in college; i used to have this desire where I'd be like "Later in japan if i am ever stressed because of tests and examination, I'd go ride the roller coaster". Did i not regret that. Again, this was an expensive impulsive plan but the near death experience is, i would not word it as worth it? But is something new. Never ride any roller coaster before. And my first one is this devil that goes by the name of ええじゃないか (ae-janaika) which hold two certificates from the Guinness world record. Mid-air, i could not breathe. Or worst, scream. Things i learned so far, when you ride a roller coaster, scream. It is less depressing that way.

Ghost house. The mental hospital. Three from five/six of us went in, including me. The settings were really incredible. There are a lot of things, and it is a big building, we even got tired walking, hand in hands. If you ever see it on running man, I was told there are lots of 'ghost' there but we only met 3? Yeah, they might have put extras on the show for impact. It wasn't that scary, it was just zombies. But the mood and how they set the place up is fantastic. If a malay ghost is paired up with this setting i would have nightmare for the rest of my life. 

All in all it was a great time. Summer in tokyo was hot. The temperature is definitely higher than malaysia. Malaysia is hot too, but this hot is a little bit different. If i am to word it right, in home country it is hot but there are certain moment where the wind blows and there is this certain smell to it, might be the smell of trees or food from the food stalls that might be nearby. And in that moment when the wind blows, it gets kinda cool and breezy, feels calming. Here, they don't have that. At least in my place. :\  So thats all i got for summer recap. Now that i experienced summer i kind of miss it. It is autumn now, it is getting cold inside and outside. As i am of now writing in my rented apartment sipping some coffee sitting on this icy cold floor. Currently 1°C. Missing home.

Anyway, imma start updating everything from now. See you soon, ciao!